M-Day Nervousness

So I’m getting married in 28 days. I have a beautiful fiance who is incredibly caring, smart (if you ignore that she agreed to marry me), and patient. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m nervous, and over all, not really. Honestly I wish we were already married. A small part of this is incredibly selfish in that we’ve been dating for 3 years now and we decided to do this the right way and wait till marriage for sex. It’s been hard (pun!) but I’m quite certain this was a good and right decision. For the most part, I just want her here so I can see her every day. But deep inside, I do know I’m nervous. Trouble sleeping is always a sign for me that my subconscious is churning away at something and I haven’t been sleeping well of late. I’m not sure if it’s the finality of the commitment, or knowing my life is irrevocably changing. The thought of kids is nice, but terrifying in what it will do to my hobbies and free time. More selfish thoughts I know, but I’m realistic in my feelings. Then there’s my own nagging concerns about my abilities to be a good husband. Ka Mun is wonderfully supportive and willing to bend over backwards to help on stuff. I have seen too many men that take advantage of these traits in their own wives and end up bad husbands. A lot of people get really upset about the roles of a Godly marriage in the bible. They read the whole submissive wife thing and go nuts. Ka Mun I think is happy with this role and wants to the wife God intended. But for the system to work, I need to focus on the male part of that passage that people tend to skip over. As a husband I have to love my wife like Jesus loved the church. People seem to forget Christ was crucified for the church. Biblical husbands are supposed to give everything in their power up to and including their lives for the sake of their wife and family. It is a man like that the wife is to submit to, and a man like that God wants every husband to be. That’s quite a pair of sandals to fill. The fact that I’m concerned about it is good but that doesn’t mean I’ll succeed.

I’m sure I can be an okay husband. In my past I’ve always been thrown into a job or task where I had to sink or swim without knowing how to swim beforehand. My current job has new challenges for me every day which is part of why I like it. The water gets stormy and I adapt and learn to keep myself and those around me all afloat. But I’ve never been an Olympic swimmer. I get good enough to survive at anything I want, but I never master anything. That’s not what I want to do with Ka Mun. I want to be the best husband, but I know I won’t. And I think that’s what I’m nervous about.

1 Comment »

  1. valkyrieschains Said,

    August 26, 2008 @ 2:21 pm

    Lookit me back posting.

    Dude. We’ve known each other a whole long time, and did not start out the best of friends, to say the least. How I ultimately decided you were someone I wanted to be friends with (how you decided that about me I think has to do with the kick in the balls you got the evening we met, cause you haven’t been right in the head since…) was that despite not liking you at all, I had to give you so much credit for busting your ass with the stuff that was going on at the time. It causes me physical pain to compliment, even just in my own head, someone I don’t like. You don’t half ass anything that means something to you, and so I am firmly convinced that you’re going to hit this marriage thing out of the park, biblically and otherwise.

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